going blonde.

today i was going to dye my hair black (almst dark blue).
but i changed my mind after i went to the hair salon, i decided to dye it blonde:)
it was horrible, first of all because it took sooo long, 7,5 hours. and also because bleaching hurts like a bitch and i had to do this twice cuz i dyed my hair black before
here are some pictures of the whole process:

before

the 1st time bleaching (after thi time i couldnt see my eyebrows xD)

after the 2nd time

after:

not very blonde, but i love it:)
today i also pierced my cartilage:

no big deal:)

what's happend recently in my life.

this week was supposed to be great and fun, but i think i screwed it up:(
this week i wasn't supposed to eat, but i binged:(
yesterday i got sick, i slept for the whole day.
today, when i woke up  had a horrible stomach ache and i called the doctor.
now, after some injections i feel much better.
i hope tomorrow i'm gonna be OK because there's a party i want to go to:)

the previous week was not so bad, i lost around 5 lbs, went to my therapist's and felt pretty good.
i've been thinking a lot about going raw vegan.
it's very healthy and i'll be able to lose weight, without diets, binging an purging.

i also changed the cover of my diary:) love it <3

before:

back

front

 after:

front

 back

If you change nothing, nothing will change.

Today i finally decided to do something with my eating disorders, 

that is literally destroying my life.

so i started with finding a private psychiatric clinic(sounds scary, i know),

 calling and making an appointmend.

i was kinda lucky, cuz there was a free space at 3 pm.

so i went there.

my therapist was a nice woman. we talked for a while (like 2 hours) 

and by the end of our conversation, i remembered, why was she so familiar to me.

she was my therapist in spring, after my suicide attempt.

then she gave me some papers with 398 different strange random questions, 

which i've already completed (she said it was for her to figure out my personality, 

so she'll know how to work with me)

so.since i have already completed those questions, 

i'll bring them to her tomorrow and finally CHANGE my life.

good luck to me:)

"Thin Commandments **

If you aren't thin, you aren't attractive

Being thin is more important than being healthy

You must buy clothes, cut your hair, take laxatives, starve yourself, do anything to make yourself thinner

Thou shall not eat without feeling guilty

Thou shall not eat fattening foods without punishing oneself afterwards

Thou shall count cals and restrict intake accordingly

What the scales say is the most important thing

losing weight is good, gaining weight is bad

You can never be too thin

Being thin and not eating are true signs of willpower and success"

"Ana's Last Night"

Lying here hungry ...
My whole body in pain ...
Should probably eat something ...
But I feel too ashamed ...

Starting to shiver now ...
Beginning to shake ...
God how I love this ...
How my body just aches ...

Got up for some cold water ...
Then to take a cold shower ...
Remind myself that soon ...
I'll be a delicate flower ...

Did 3 hours exercise ...
But I must do some more ...
Still got one pound to loose ...
Like the pound I lost before ...

Whoa, got a dizzy head rush ...
Colors dancing all around me ...
Like little tiny faerie angels ...
Wanting to set me free ...

Oh wow, I'm floating with them ...
Going high up in the sky ...
I finally made it! ...
To the thinness that is I ..."

~~~~~~~~~~

a never-ending circle.

i'm continuing to diet and lose weight and last week i've lost about 3 kg.
which is not bad, despite i've already gained 1 pound...
i'm effing tired of this never-ending circle of binge eating and not eating at all.
everyone in my real life thinks that im insane doing this to my health and body.
i did binge today and yesterday and the day before yesterday, but for sure i'm gonna get it out of my system using this diet plan:
- during the whole day you're allowed to eat no more than 100 g of chocolate, it doesn't matter what kind of chocolate
- you can only drink black sugarfree coffee, water, tea and other drinks w/o cals
basically, that's it. really easy. and effective. you lose about 1 kg per day.
i'm planning to follow it for not less than 3 days, maximum 10 days.
it really worked on others, so i hope it'll work for me with my terrible metabolism:)
btw tomorrow i'll buy a red bracelet and always wear it.